In June 2017, I downloaded the Fleetwood Mac Greatest Hits album and have listened to it almost every day for the past year. Whether it was listening to one song, or all of them, Fleetwood Mac fed my soul. The honest and raw lyrics seemed to match the range of emotions I had been experiencing since finding myself newly single at 50+. Each song carried something different and lead me closer to the person I was and would become again soon. Cliché as it was, I was on that journey back to me and Fleetwood Mac was in my head and some songs quickly became favorites.
"Don't Stop"
It's been almost a year since my soon to be ex-husband told me in his kindest, most even voice that he needed to leave the marriage we had shared for almost 23 years. There doesn't seem to be an easy way of letting someone know that it's too painful to carry on in the current situation. Coming to this decision, and knowing the other person (me), doesn't want the outcome is painful in it's own right. As a couple, we had been together for 25 years and created a family that included my stepson, our son, our daughter, a dog and a cat. He had said to me in those moments of pain that "you may not feel it now, but you'll look back and realize that you'll be happier....." With his cold comfort and ability to always see the bigger picture, I liked to think that he was saying, "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow. It will soon be here." I never doubted it.
"Go Your Own Way"
The place we lived was not just a house to me. I felt that we had created a home. A home for our beautiful family and life. It was filled with joy, tradition, sadness, angst, love, humor, understanding, growth and all the challenges and gifts that having a family bestows. The lyrics from this song included the line, "Tell me why everything turned around?" We had loved each other so much, just as many divorced couples had before us. Our lives together had shifted and there was a painful chasm that left me reflecting on all the hopes and promises we had made in the beginning. Those hopes and promises were honest in the truest sense. They lead to the coolest thing we ever did as a couple......create a family. Perhaps now, the greatest gift we can give our family is that of seeing that we're ok and share a love for each other that may be different but is still love all the same as we go our "own way."
"Gypsy"
I was now "back to the gypsy that I was" all those years ago, or at least that's what I felt. That friend and lover that would always be in my future was gone, and like other things in my life, had drifted away. Drifting was something I grew up with, living in many different homes and attending 10 different schools by the time I was 18 brought constant changes. These were changes that were chosen for me, and now, I felt like this separation was chosen for me, too. As a kid, I wanted nothing more than to go to the neighborhood school, live in the same childhood home and have a circle of friends I knew for a lifetime. While that wasn't exactly what I got, what I did get was incredible resilience, confidence and the knowledge that I could do most anything. I was in that space again and had to rely on these skills I had honed. I decided that being a gypsy wasn't so bad and while all the lyrics of the song can resonate differently to some, they offered me hope, comfort and security. As the songs goes, "I have no fear, I have only love."
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